I prefer my friendships like I prefer my coffee: strong, can be a little bitter sometimes, and low-maintenance. I don’t feel the need to have the Ninja Coffee Bar when Mr Coffee gives me the quality I need. I don’t need to call my old friends every day to know that they are still my friends – a simple check in every other day with a quick recap is sufficient. I’m busy. We all have kids. Low-maintenance friends FTW. Where y’all at?

I’m the new girl in town.

In August, my family moved back to North America after a three-year stay overseas. It was mine and my husband’s second time living in a foreign country; a total of 6 moves during our 10 year marriage. So I’ve been the new girl in town quite a few times, and every time it gets harder to acclimate myself into my new environment. But I’m in a new territory these days– that Mom Friend Zone– a scary place where one off-hand comment can turn into a sanctimommy moment.

There are apps to meet mom friends (I’m serious!) and while it’s all a bit awkward and eye-rolling, it’s kind of necessary in this age where meeting people outside of their home is a hard reach. Oh, and we’re in this thing called a pandemic, which makes it even harder to meet new people.

I’ve been on the apps and some threads to introduce myself and my two kids; the very basic and very boring facts about us. The shit nobody really cares about, but still finds it necessary to ask about.

It’s all very mundane and redundant.

I’ve been thinking though: it’s been a month since we’ve been here and things aren’t picking up. Perhaps if I rewrite my story, dig a little deeper, then the mom friends may swarm to me a bit faster. 

Here goes nothing.

WANTED: Low-Maintenance Mom Friend for the New Girl in Town. 

A mom, just like me, who will show up to a play date in a messy bun with bags under her eyes. A mom with energetic children that drive her up a wall but are so adorable, you can’t help but laugh at the antics. Someone who wouldn’t stare while my three-year-old has one of his many meltdowns; and who wouldn’t judge me for letting them eat chicken nuggets for dinner the third time this week. 

A mom that must be TV-friendly because if I’m having a hard day, Netflix WILL be on. My patience is gold and honey, sometimes it’s not worth the fight.

A mom that doesn’t have her shit together– probably forgets to brush her teeth every morning– but she does care about the people in her life and will give back to those who give to her.

A little klutzy but good-hearted, please. I need a Susan Mayer in my life!

Uses the correct terminology for body parts (please no ‘cookie’ or ‘ding-dong!’ we talk straight-up vagina and penis in this house). 

Someone to laugh with and silently breathe curse words to one another when our kids piss us off. A nice friend who won’t bat an eye at my lack of religious values; who believes that a good person isn’t measured by how many hours you spend reading the Bible. Someone just like me, who responds to a text in her head, but then it’s the next day and oops! (I would totally get that). A friend that pops by and leaves a bottle of wine and flowers on the front door, but doesn’t expect an invite inside because it’s 4:30PM and the kids are clawing at the walls for dinner.

A mom friend that I can feel comfortable confiding in; whom I can ask the obvious questions (am I doing this right? Are my children possessed??) and she gives me the reassurance that I am totally knocking this mom thing out of the park. While I give her the same reassurance back (you can expect that from me!)

And of course, a mom friend I can go a few days, maybe weeks without seeing, and we pick up right where we left off.

While all these qualities would be lovely, what I most look for in a mom friend is a mom that isn’t raising an asshole; who teaches their kid to share, play nice, and respect others. Our kids have to get along for this to work. No assholes, please!

LIKES:

Coffee; wine, beer, vodka, any type of substance that can alter your judgement; suspense novels with dirty words; yoga pants and thrift store sweatshirts; burritos; an enjoyment of fitness but a gal that also visits the buffet table from time to time; sushi day dates and Hobby Lobby trips; craft nights with wine; messy houses with a few dishes in the sink; haunted houses and PSE (pumpkin spice everything). 

DISLIKES:

Moms that judge other moms; perfectionism; racism; Trump; political talk, unless it’s about hating Trump; negativity; prudes! (what is girl talk is sex isn’t involved??)  passive-aggressiveness, liars. 

Thanks for checking this out. Shouldn’t be too hard to find some mom friends that share the same interests, should it?

Author

Laura has lived all around the world, recently moving from Europe to Southern Georgia. She's a Yankee, so don't expect her to say y'all. In her spare time of chasing her two energetic boys, Laura is a freelance writer, with her work featured on various platforms. She enjoys days outside in the sun and rainy days curled up in her best pair of sweats with a good book.

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