When is it ok to cheat?


I challenge you to not just gasp and hiss ‘never’ – this is an honest and sincere question. It isn’t a question looking for permission to cheat, but it is designed to measure one’s threshold.

Imagine if your husband, a wonderful man and good partner, just one day, no longer wanted you.


No more pokes while you’re sleeping.

No more kisses.

No more long looks.

No more flirting.

No more hand holding.

No more baby making.

No more showers together.

No more suggestive glances.

No more touching.


Imagine, if day after day, week after week, month after month, and yes – year after year, your fabulous partner rejects you.

You`ve had the chat. You`ve called the therapist. You`ve done what you can do.

And you’re met with silence.

The truth that he is withholding, in the hopes to spare your feelings, is that he is no longer attracted to you. Can you hate him for this? No, I don’t think so . But, if everything else is great – you are wonderful friends, good parents and responsible citizens – is the lack of sex a valid reason to break up an otherwise happy and functional family?

In the role as mother and partner, you still have a self to fulfill – and that includes a sensual self. There is no shame in that, however, marriage dictates that the only person you are allowed to act out this sensual self with is your husband. What happens when he won`t?

Do you simply wait, do you give up, or do you look elsewhere? 

Inquiring minds want to know.


An amazing collection of bright women who somehow manage to work, play, parent and survive and write blog posts all at the same time. We are the BLUNTmoms, always honest, always direct and surprising hilarious.


  1. Caustic Mom Reply

    I vote for honesty, every time.

    A traditional monogamous marriage is not for everyone, whether certain things are lacking in your marriage or you’re both open and accepting of an alternative way.

    Talking about these issues together may lead you to the path of an open marriage, or a “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement or even a polyamourous one. All valid options and many successfull, happy relationships are based on these modesls.

    But have the conversations. Because if you don’t and you cheat, and it comes out after (instead of being upfront), all the other things you love about your relationship will likely disapear.

    • DowntownCharlotte Reply

      I agree 100%! Traditional marriage isn’t for everyone. You may start out thinking that everything is perfect and believing that monogamy is the best and ONLY way to have a truly successful marriage, but people change, situations change, so many things can change. Talking openly, albeit uncomfortably sometimes, is the only way to go. You may find that your partner is feeling the exact same feelings that you are, and from there a whole new world opens up.

  2. Sounds like he’s cheating. Sorry to say. But if he’s acting like you’ve this, he’s likely into someone else on the side. Do yourself a favour and have that hard discussion with him. You’re at a major crossroad right now. We’re here for you. Keep writing!

    • I completely disagree. There isn’t enough in this post to indicate that anyone is cheating. Lack of interest does not always equate to getting it somewhere else.

  3. I am with anon. He is either deeply in the closet gay and is safely tucked in a relationship but can no longer keep up the charade, or he is giving the high salami to somebody else.
    Either way, he isn’t willing to be honest about it, so pushing the issue will be a bit like lancing a boil, but is the only way.

    • Hey Kyla, I know your comment was from 3 years ago, but I am super curious why you would guess they have kids under the age of 10?

  4. I think cheating is never ok, sounds like a conversation and good vibrator is in order. Maybe it’s not about his attraction to you but his desire tone sensual. Low libido affects men as well as women

    • No offense, but it really pisses me off when people say that masturbation should be a substitute for sexual fulfillment. There is a BIG difference between sex and masturbation.

  5. I think walling yourself away just because you’re married is unfathomable torture and neglect. At some point if your partner refuses to evolve and starves you of what you need, intimacy, excitement, growth…he’s complicit with you filling your need to know someone intimately and be seen, touched, felt.

  6. I think walling yourself away just because you’re married is unfathomable torture and neglect. At some point if your partner refuses to evolve and starves you of what you need, intimacy, excitement, growth…he’s complicit with you filling your need to know someone intimately and be seen, touched, felt.

  7. I’ve been there. I did everything I could. I’ve even asked my partner if he was gay. I’ve complained. I’ve talked. I’ve been brutally honest. I’ve told him myself ‘I’m about to cheat on you’. And still, nothing. I was frustrated beyond belief. So what did I do? I cheated. It was a good decision. I don’t regret it. I don’t feel bad about it to this day. I could do it again once I’m built up enough. I’ve been with him for a long while. No kids. I’ve only cheated once. I can say. It was well worth it.

  8. I have to wonder if those in favor would still be in favor if the roles in the scenario were reversed. Most relationships have the man pursuing and the woman rejecting, so I have to wonder if the women saying “hey, you have to fulfill yourself” still believe that if the self is a man I stead of a woman.

  9. Lots of interesting and valid opinions in the comments and the article its self. Honestly and sincerely those “no more” s listed above have no warrant for cheating. None whatsoever. I think the only thing they actually warrant is frustration. If those “no more”s are happening chances are you DO NOT have an “otherwise happy and functional family”. There is just no comprehendable and logical reason why your sex life would be the only thing that is suffering. The things listed above DO NOT ONLY communicate that your partner is sexually interested in you. If you’ve been patient and done everything you need and should do, then its likely time for a clean break. I get that having children makes it less than ideal, though I definitely believe cheating would screw up a marriage and family a lot worse than a seperation or divorce would. While I believe the lack of cooperation and silent treatment on your partner’s end is selfish, cheating on your end would be just as selfish too.

  10. It’s always (90%) women who have this huge problem with “cheating.” From a young age, we learn “cheating” is bad. Don’t cheat on tests, don’t lie, if you do – you’re a bad person!

    I hate rules. I hate social norms. I don’t go out of my way to break them, but I don’t bind myself to them, either. I absolutely dispise conformity for the sake of conformity. At the end of the day, monogamy is about people being selfish, and laying claim on someone.

    I agreed to marry my wife. I agreed while the sex was good and frequent, while everything was hunky-dory. Like MOST marriages, mine is NOT anymore. I still buy flowers, help around the house with cleaning/dishes/laundry/dinner, give massages, make my sexual interet clear.

    I have resented my wife’s lack of desire for over a year now, and with our newborn son, it’s worse than ever. I get that she doesn’t feel her best, but suck it up. Perhaps that sounds insensitive, but I know men with wives who feel BAD if they don’t perform fellatio once a week. *I* feel CHEATED.

    I’ve explained that is how I feel, and I’m met with – “Too bad, don’t like it? Leave.” What a cop-out. I don’t believe in divorce. I would never sign the papers. And I don’t want it, because we’re best friends, and great parents. I just happen to be like most guys – I have a high sex drive. I am extremely attracted to my wife, but I’m tired of rejection. I am also tired of taking out my resentment on our relationship.

    So, no divorce, and I’m tired of hurting her feelings with passive aggresive quips. Solution? Sleep with someone else, discreetly. Use a condom, don’t get emotional or share our lives, don’t bring it into our house, and absolutely don’t tell anyone. I get what I want, stop hurting my wife’s feelings, and everything’s fine.

    I’m tired of hearing all this black and white, all or nothing, holier than though, judgemental bullshit. You keep going through life miserably, divorcing until you find marrital utopia. Me, I’ll bend the rules to suit me and better my relationship.

    If you think it’s selfish, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what you’re already doing that is selfish. ‘Cuz you’re doing it.

    • From where I sit in the cheap seats Jeff, it looks like both of you have no idea how to be married. You are both letting down your promises to each other, but I also think you might be a bully who thinks pretty highly of himself. Why do you get to decide if she does or doesn’t get a divorce? Maybe if you respected her more, and were a truly engaged husband, she might touch your pee pee more often.

      • Matt Roseen Reply

        Please tell me you aren’t serious. So when the woman is dissatisfied, an article written about when it’s ok to cheat on her husband is ok. But if a man writes with the same, mirrored message with the genders reversed, then it’s represhensible and he’s a bully? Please. Hop off your feminist high horse.

    • Hey, Magnolia Ripkin and Shannon Day, Jeff is telling you exactly how he feels. You are telling him how he feels and how he should feel. He is not telling you what to do. He is sharing what he sees and what he feels. He is offering you an honest perspective. Do not fault him that. Read his words. And learn. Thank you Jeff, for your honesty.

    • I’m in the same boat, Jeff. My husband always has an excuse for rejection. It’s been since our youngest was born almost 2 years ago. Everything is fine with us except that and it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. I would say if everyone is on board with an open marriage then it’s not a problem.

  11. Hey Jeff, it’s not about sex. It’s about staying connected, as a couple, which is a challenge once a baby comes into your life. What she is doing is trying to adjust to her new role as a mom and all that comes with that. Have you tried supporting her? Telling her you’ll wait until she’s ready? Is she doing ok mentally and emotionally? Maybe she is struggling…
    Patience is key here.
    Sadly, your choice to sleep with other women, that is something that you can never take back.
    There are no gurantees in what will and won’t come your way throughout your marriage. It’s about ebbs and flows, man. It’s not 50/50 all of the time.
    What you are choosing to do will make you feel badly at some point. You are acting like a compartmentalized robot going through life without feeling or a genuine relationship. You and she deserve better. So does your child. Deal with your relationship head on. Don’t ignore it and distance yourself further from your wife.

  12. Gian Marco Reply

    I have to say, staying connected is key for the woman and feeling taken care of is important for the man.
    Men need to realize that to get sex the flirting game and courting is never over. What makes you think that just because she swore to be for you that she’ll always be in the mood for sex?
    You have to entice her, seduce her, make her want you, be on her Tippy toes for you. Keep her without knowing what to expect from you next while expecting something new! Women love the build up of the expectation of a surprise! You need to be constantly showing her something new about yourself to her so she is constantly falling in love with you.

    You need, as a man, to be constantly see where you can grow and become the better version of yourself so you can share it with her.

    If she has a low sex drive it may be also that she’s got a hormonal imbalance and brain chemistry imbalance. – See a “functional medicine” practitioner for that. A conventional MD does not have a clue how to help you.

    Anyways, if what you want is variety but are keeping your wife happy and fulfilled and know she’s giving back what you want from her, then take all precautions necessary to have your fun and live a secret life only you know about without hurting those who depend on you and love you. Your guilt feelings will only be for you and on your shoulders to deal with and never confess. Take it to your tomb because you’ll do more harm than good.

    But know that you are investing elsewhere and you will neglect your spouse one way or another. If you neglect her and someone else comes across that makes her feel special… I assure you she’ll grow such passion for him that in bed you will NOT recognize her… Because she will want to do things with him that you did not inspire her to do…..

    • Are you kidding???? If a man or a woman has to do that all the time they both will be to exhausted for anything else except work. If it requires that much work just to keep your spouse interested then I think someone is going to be hacked off!

  13. Superseded Reply

    Well this is a tough one. I’ll share this with you. And foo on me, let me say that up front. We are all special and we are all weird. No one is perfect and for the most part, excluding extremes and not speaking legally, “right and wrong” are dumb things to say, and dumb definitions. So, while dating, them courting, then married my wife always thought I was cheating. Or, always said passive aggressive things to indicate it. I never cheated. Her sex drive was always way more than mine,not sure why I would have cheated. So along comes baby. It pushed a person already struggling for emotional balance into fits of rage and resentment, anger and depression. She did not like being a mom. She used to yell at the baby for not latching correctly. Things like that. Told me, since the family photos were on her computer and she took many of them, she would charge me for access to them, about a quarter to fifty cents a piece – but there are thousands of photos! The computer was acquired after marriage, so according to NYS, it’s joint property. She password protected it so I couldn’t have access to the photos while she was figuring out a fair “photo copying fee”, all the while suspecting me of cheating on her with my Secretary. As a matter of fact, it hadn’t even crossed my mind, honestly. You can see where this is going, can’t you. I was off to a business trip and now that my wife had mentioned d she thought I was banging the Secretary (I wasn’t of course), it started d to poison my mind. All I could think about now was my Secretary’s beautiful chest and how fed up I was of YEARS OF FALSE ALLEGATIONS AND M– USERABLE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR! On my way out the door to the trip, my wife was yelling at me that I was going to bang this woman. So finally the straw that broke the camels back. I felt bludgeoned and invalidated by my wife’s words and years of bogus allegations. Yup, I banged the Secretary. Over and over and over, for about six months. I felt I had nothing to live up to. She already thought I was up to no good. I guess I thought, let me do this…and how. I became that which I hated the idea of – I sunk to the level of trash my wife suspected me of being. How sad. Sad for me, that is. She always thought i was a cheater, anyway.

  14. I agree that monogamy is not for everyone. in fact monogamous marriage, where both are in love forever and get all of their needs for friendship/intimacy/coparenting/stability/romance from each other is a concept that is only about 50 years old…it came along in the 1950s with the newly constructed nuclear family. it’s a recipe for misery and disaster, in my opinion. the amount of pressure that comes along with being someone’s everything, and only being able to go to one other person for all your needs….it’s insane. humans evolved in tribal communities. we raised children in community, we were friends or family with everyone around us, we all shared the burden of survival. now that is all on our spouse. decide what you need from the person you’re with. is it friendship, companionship? is it a partner in parenting, a partner in your work life? is it a lover? in this day & age we should be able to have honest conversations with our partners about what we each expect and need, what the focus of the relationship is. and if it’s not sex, then an honest conversation about how you’re getting your sexual needs met has to happen. otherwise it’s a decision between eventual infidelity and its shame and guilt, and total repression, putting your libido (your creativity, your life force energy, your vitality, your wellbeing) in a lockbox and throwing away the key. human beings are sexual creatures. to deny that is puritanical bullshit. but to deny our partners our honesty is just as much a result of patriarchy. patriarchy says there is only one way to be together, and so if people have other needs they must be ‘bad’ and they should feel guilty and be sneaky and dishonest about getting them met. If there were no shame around our sexual needs, there would be no cheating. And there would probably be no marriage either. We would just do what we wanted in broad daylight, we wouldn’t have to make our relationships legal agreements. Like we’d been doing until civilization and Christianity came along.
    Bottom line, listen to your desires. Find a way to satisfy them, and honor your partner at the same time. How that looks will be different for everyone.

  15. Finally an article that I can relate too. It’s painful when your partner does not want to have sex with you (or anyone) for that matter. Yes, I have a vibrator and yes we’ve talked about it and yet it doesn’t change. His libido is low (and easily affected by life circumstances) while mine is higher. I assure you he’s not gay just an unusual cookie. I think because his father was such a horn dog that he over went to the other side of “high” self control. I could never use sex against him to get something because he could care less. I did cheat once for six glorious months I was with someone who wanted me and we had a really fulfilling relationship but I couldn’t leave my son and husband just for that. I would have felt worse for it. I’ve had two kids and gained about 40lbs but I don’t think he would have anymore interest in me if I was skinny as shit and lost it which is why I don’t try too hard. I think if I lost the weight and he still was not interested than I would have to choose to exit the relationship and that makes me sad. Sad for me and sad for my kids who adore our family and their father. I would never cheat again but I can’t say the thought never crosses my mind. Someday if things don’t improve I will have to make that decision but not today and not yet.

    • The new testament of the bible says : husbands and wives do not deny eachother.
      I hope you and your husband can talk to a pastor.

  16. I have read the article and the comments below and honestly I am stunned. In my opinion it is never ok to cheat, sex is a huge part of marriage but just like other parts of marriage it isn’t always consistent. There will be times when as a couple you are in sync and times when you are not, that is what marriage is. I have been fortunate to be with the same man for 36 years, 31 of them married, we have learned that it takes mutual respect and kindness to have a successful marriage. If you are struggling seek out a good marriage counsellor, if the other person isn’t willing then perhaps it is time to leave the marriage. Not every marriage is meant to be forever, but cheating will only cause long lasting effects for everyone involved.

  17. Interesting question and huge debate. I’ve been married for almost 8 years now. I’ve never cheated on my husband but I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been thought about it. I mean come on…anyone checking out the Ryan Goslin “hey Girl” memes has contemplated it.

    Even as I say that though, in my heart, I know having sex with someone else would break me. I’m not someone who can just have sex with someone and have it just be sex. Well…at least I assume that is the case. **Truth bomb**…I’ve only ever had sex with my husband. Yup…I didn’t consciously “save myself until marriage”, but that’s just what happened.

    So when the “dry spells” kicked in after tossing a child grenade on our good thing, things got hard. I mean, you have a kid and sex just wasn’t even on my radar for the first while. My lady bits were mangled and the thought of doing anything with them, let alone pee or drop the kids off at the pool made me nervous.

    But things did get better. Kiddo started sleeping more, we started sleeping more and as he got older…life fell into place a bit. He’s 4 now and we’ve got a banging schedule…just THE banging doesn’t frequent that schedule as much as we would hope.

    I used to think that there was a huge problem…like we were doomed to end up divorced but the more you explore on the net the more you realise that you are SO not alone.

    So to land this plane of a comment. Cheating? For me…it wouldn’t work. It would eat me up on the inside. The idea of betraying/lying to my husband just doesn’t compute. That being said…if you are open and honest with your partner and you want to have an open relationship. Why the fuck not? Do what works for you. If you are open about what you need, and want from your relationship and you are both on the same page…power to you.

    For me…rather than cheating, I’d choose to turn my attention inward and explore why I’m drawn to cheat. What I’m missing from my marriage and how I could get what I need from my husband and more importantly from myself.

  18. George Vanberger Reply

    Well I’ve been married 29 years. Most of them good. Recently she has just been shutting me down. It’s to a point now where she lets me know before I even initiate an advance. I tried to explain how this makes me feel and how often it happens and she completely brushed me off. I’m tired of having a roommate. I want a partner who is willing as a loving wife should be. I want passion, tenderness and yes, erotic sex. She stopped, I’ve tried and she does not show concern so I’m out. I have 4 options, cheat, stay in a miserable relationship, divorce or get her to consider. She is not considering and staying in a miserable marriage is not what I signed up for. So I’m going to find a woman who will treat me right. If she finds out then we can deal with it then. As far as I’m concerned she has already checked out so what difference does it make?

    • Oh George, that sounds like a bit of hell. I am just going to ask the obvious thing here…have you guys talked to a professional? Before you pull the pin on the mistress grenade, maybe give your wife a chance to understand the magnitude of how she makes you feel.

      • I am a 50 year old women married for 20 years. My husband and I have not had sex for over 8 years. I have tried everything. Therapy, talking. He says he loves me but blames it on the past issues. Now I am having an affair and it’s the best sex of my life. Now what?

        • Take what you need from life, because it is too short for all of us. It would probably be the kinder option to let your husband go wouldn’t it? Affairs hurt all involved eventually, but that is only my two cents. I don’t know your situation, but always try to encourage people to think about what is the most humane road, then take that one.

          • What if your partner is not willing to talk or hesitantly advises you to hook up secretly or just jerk off in the bathroom (it feels SHIT!!)? My wife prefers to clean the house at 10 PM than having sex with me. I think, monogamy is outdated but accepting the alternative is still a big NO as the repercussions are severe rendering it worthless. I have complaints on libido mismatch with my wife and get tempted for ONS with a hooker(hooker because doing it with a known person could mean building relationship) but could never do because, that may hurt my wife. I would never ever like to loose my super wifey (she means world to me). Does anyone know as whats the frequency of sex (like weekly once or thrice monthly) considered normal for a couple with no kids and still as young as 30 ? My frequency is thrice a month and we have no kids. We are married for 4 years now. Appreciate your advice!!

          • I am going to make you an offer, since you seem to be so willing to work through this situation with your wife. Our cadre writers would probably have some helpful suggestions. We have a wide variety of women we can tap for their thoughts. If you want to send a brief explanation of your situation to [email protected] I will crowd source some answers for you and run a piece in BluntMoms. Your identity and email address would not be revealed. Interested?

        • Quit the affair! Don’t have loyalty with the person your having an affair with, tell the person ” I’m married, I hope the best for you, goodbye.”

          Your husband has been wrong for doing that to you but pray to Jesus Christ for forgiveness. Ask your husband to go with you to talk to a minister. If he’ s the wrong minister, find another one.

          God said: ” You shall not commit adultery” but it’s also in the bible that ” A husband must love his wife like Christ loves the church.” And ” husband and wives, don’t deny eachother.”

          You have to make it as clear as possible to your husband your husband is wrong for denying you. People have to forgive each other for past issues.

      • George vanberger Reply

        Well it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Update, I find that going for a massage now and then works wonders. I’ve been to a few escorts, one was a tranny so that stopped real fast. Lol. But I found a very discrete Asian massage parlor and it’s absolutely amazing. I now have zero expectations from the wife, she does her thing and I do mine. It’s as if she just aged over night.
        We have gone to a marriage counselor, I’ve suggested a sex therapist she refused. The MC was okay at best. My wife thinks she has all the answers so she stopped going. I still go from time to time. I did explain to my counselor that I get these massages and she suggests I stop. I don’t want to. It really takes the anxiety away at home. The tension was thick, now it’s almost non existent. A friend suggested that maybe she is having an affair. I seriously doubt it as she is always around the house. To be honest at this point if she is, then good for her. I’ve pretty much checked out. We are good roommates. We do things together quite often but sex is off the table. I can’t remember when we had sex last. Has to be a few years. So it is what it is. Sio-narah!

    • Jesus Christ said divorce is only permitted if the wife has committed unchasity ( meaning she cheated on her husband).

      Don’t try to explain to her, be verbally obvious with her.

  19. It’s never okay to cheat. If your husband is not spending time with you, say something. Get counseling together but don’t cheat.

    God said: ” You shall not commit adultery.” Period.

  20. It’s never okay to cheat. Polyamory is a completely valid alternative though. There needs to be honesty and consent between partners. Honesty with yourself as well. If a sexless marriage is one you cannot handle, that’s a valid reason to leave a marriage. It’s a need and your needs are important and valid.

  21. Middle Aged Dan Reply

    In my 20s, I had a middle aged cousin justify having sex at a stag party because “when your wife stops cookie new meals, you go out to eat.” At the time, newly married with plenty of physical intimacy, I was appalled.

    Fast forward 20 years later. I ended up in a marriage where physical intimacy didn’t happen. But, it was one of many factors complicating our relationship. Now, my cousin’s rings in my head as prophetic.

    I suspect the author is dealing with more issues then the article reveals. People inevitably seek to fill empty spaces, whether it’s sex or other important parts of a healthy relationship. When spaces are empty one tries to ignore it or focus on something that’s working (family, kids, career…). But it’s a monster under the bed that inevitably comes out to haunt you. It will have some impact.

    Either stay in a platonic marriage, have an open relationship, divorce, or “cheat.” Neither are perfect.

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