Call me sacrilege but it’s more important to me how you celebrate Christmas than why. And by celebrate I mean decorate.

This, dear populace, is a time to say Happy Birthday to the big J, get confused trying to reconcile the relationship between God and the virgin Mary, and daydream hopefully about the possibility of selfless miracles and the promise of eternal life.  But, I digress. I’ve already established that it’s not about the context. Frankly, considering the common secular practice of Christmas these days, it’s almost irrelevant.

Christmas is widely viewed as a time to promote connectedness, giving, and joy and, dear populace, your tacky-attack has got it all wrong: being closely aquainted to the Walmart Christmas aisle only gives your viewers a headache.

There are no family values to be found in that store. There are no treasures on sale to represent the beauty of the season. Only hideosity is down aisle 12 and, if I may, I don’t think the angels would approve.

So please, gather round with your hot cocoa and study up. Or, offend thy neighbour and burn in hell. You choose.

How to Decorate like a Wiseman 

5. Cleanliness really is next to Godliness. The message here? Less is more. Fake snow made of sofa stuffing collects dust (and is a fire risk). Skip it. Skip anything that makes it look like your Grandmother was involved. Skip anything that will have your house lit up like the burning bush.

4. Uniformity rules. Here’s the thing, if you hang lights all over and are one strand short to complete the garage, do not, under any circumstances, throw up one mis-matched set just to say you did. Commitment and self discipline makes me God happy, just check out Proverbs 12:24. Yikes!

3. God likes white lights and God likes white candles. Or, at least the Church does. Whatever.  Even if you’re not into the big guy, white is so optimistic. Snow is white for goodness sakes. Make your home a testament to all that is light, bright, and pure.

2.  Keep the Blood of Christ to a minimum. I’m no prude and I like a little wine as much as the next mom but please, don’t drink and decorate.

Lastly, repeat after me:

1. Singing stuffed animals in Santa hats are not festive. Okay, now repeat it again. These terrifying slave labour trophies typically don’t even dance to Christmas music. They are straight-up unholy.

Got it? Good. Now go be all merry and stuff.

Cheers to you and yours, H.

 

Author

Heather was born a mom in 2009 but is still working out the kinks. She loves the CBC, aspartame beverages that are toxic and delicious, her profession, the 3 guys she shares a home with, and (sometimes) being a parent. A believer that moms are born too, she writes about her business because words make her happy and happy is good.

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