What the hell is it about husbands giving crappy gifts?  Us wives are expected to accept whatever bullshit gift our husbands want to send our way.  We have closets and cabinets full of foot spas, toaster ovens, and cleaning items that our husbands saw in the ‘gifts for her’ section at the local drug store.  I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure that section was put together by a man.  An unmarried man.  Go figure.
Personally, I would rather all the gift budget be spent on the children.  I don’t need or want anything that I can’t go to the store and get my damn self.  If you feel the way I do, here’s a tip for ya:  don’t tell your husband.  If you tell him to spend the money on your kids and not buy you anything, what he will hear is “spend about half of what you normally would on me.  Oh, and make sure you don’t give the actual gift a moments worth of thought.  Literally.  Not. A. Moment.”  Now, one can easily see where the Tupperware and vacuum cleaners come in.
So, what is a woman to do when all these shitty, downright thoughtless gifts start piling up over the years?  To be honest I’m not quite sure.  But I do know what NOT to do.  Whatever you do, do NOT tell your husband you don’t appreciate him forcing you to plaster a fake smile on your face at each and every damn gift-giving occasion all year long.  Apparently, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them disregarding your feelings by blatantly not giving a rat’s furry little fucking ass about what you might want.  However, it is definitely NOT ok to call them on it.  This makes them sad.  (Boo-fucking-hoo.)
I guess when your husband buys “you” a new coffee pot even though you have never, not even once uttered a single word about the one you have had for the last 6 years, smile and say thanks.  Then secretly pray that at least one of your children got you some cute fuzzy socks or a Michaels’ gift card.  And, maybe make a mental note to screenshot gift lists along with maps of the stores for next year.  Evidently, this whole “nothing” approach simply isn’t going to work and it’s better to get something you want than something you have to pretend to want.  And trust me, in the decade + my husband and I have been together “nothing” has NEVER been an option.  That’s not to say they are all bad gifts, but I think that makes the bad ones even worse.  Like, I know you’re capable of buying something acceptable.  You are just choosing not to.
When you hear your husband proudly state that he “wanted to get something you would never buy for yourself” resist the urge to respond with “Congratulations moron.  Mission accomplished.”  This is NOT the right response and will lead to a whole holiday or anniversary of fighting, ending with one of you sleeping on the couch.  Believe me, I know of what I speak.  Don’t tell him that no one in their right mind would replace a printer because it ran out of ink.  Go ahead and laugh.  You know it’s ridiculous.  But I swear, it’s happened.  And even if someone would be that insane, they certainly wouldn’t be stupid enough to try and pass it off as a gift!  Of course, I suppose that’s better than buying a file cabinet so you will finally have a place for all your “stuff.”  What stuff?  Oh, I think he means the household bills, the kids’ report cards, and his speeding ticket from last month.  How nice of him to think of “you” while simultaneously insulting your housekeeping skills (or lack thereof.)
So ladies, make sure your kids, mom, co-workers, girlfriends, anyone knows what you really want.  This way you might have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting something you might have some use for.  I truly and sincerely hope that SOMEONE gets you SOMETHING you ask for at least once in this upcoming year!
Megan is a stay at home mom taking motherhood one day (read: glass of wine) at a time.  When she isn’t busy embarrassing her teenage twins with her mere presence, she can be found obsessing over her 9-year-old son or talking to her dogs and cats while her husband answers on their behalf, voices and all.  She can be found on her instagram at https://www.instagram.com/megan.loden/ on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/megan.loden.5 or on twitter at  https://twitter.com/megan_loden

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