I consider myself a reasonably sane woman.
Although, some may beg to differ.
I get up every day, usually make my bed, brush my teeth, and make a cup of coffee before I head to Starbucks to get me a “real one.” I bitch about being tired all the time, and my boyfriend’s Instagram feed has more followers than mine. And I find my day-to-day life sometimes overwhelming yet oddly exciting. I’m never bored. I love what I do; I’m obsessed with my two teenaged boys who are smelly and hormonal…and leaving me way too soon (that, my friends is a whole other piece.)
Yes, I am a reasonably sane woman just doing life the best I know how, following my schedule, and going through the motions.
But then it happened. COVID-19 and my life stopped. Our lives stopped. The world has basically stopped, right?
And I swear after being in my house for the last 22 days (who’s counting?) I’m losing my fucking mind. My so-called sanity is slipping. I’m doing things I never imagined I’d EVER be doing, like ever. Including writing a piece about shit I never imagined doing during a Coronavirus Lockdown. Crazy times…
- The Hair Down There. Au natural. Let’s just say, I never imagined I’d let the hair on my nether regions grow back like a disco porn bush, ok? Like NEVER. But come on, who the hell is going to see it? I’m divorced, and being with my boyfriend is against the “social-distancing” policy. So, I say let it grow…let it grow! I’m singing Frozen, btw.
- So You Think You Can Dance? And the answer is YES! Yes, Karen, you can! Will your kids be mortified? YES, they will. Do you care? No, you do not! TikTok it is, ladies and when I say “Savage,” you better go big or go home! But does anyone know what “boujee” actually means? Oy.
- Tiger What? Oh, Netflix, I love you so, but what were you thinking? Did you search out every ex-con, cat-loving, meth-head in the free world and decide, “Hey, let’s do this thing”? And who in the actual fuck is Joe Exotic? And better yet, why did I stay up for a whole night bingeing the ENTIRE season? Because It’s pure GOLD. Joe Exotic For Prez!
- Top Chef. I never imagined I would ever bake, cook, or eat this much. Ever. First off, I don’t bake or cook. Eat, yes. My kids eat a snack, so do I. They want lunch, me too. Time for cereal at midnight? Hell, ya! And, I have made six banana breads, dozens of cookies, and we order Door Dash more than I’d care to admit. I haven’t put on jeans since this shit started, and I’m not going to anytime soon.
- A Little Wine with your WHINE? I guess it’s five o’clock somewhere? I’m not a lush, really. I like a glass of wine every now and then. Ok, more like every now and now. I never thought I’d be “that girl” to open a flipping bottle of cheap Rosé at noon. But yet, here we are! Cheers!
- Paranoia. Germ-a-phobe. I’ve always been a freak about germs, ok? But this virus has thrown me over the edge. I go to sleep every night thinking I’m going to wake up with the virus. I wake up every day thinking “today is the day” I’m going to get the virus. And I have not left my house, y’all. I can’t be the only one that feels this way, but I honestly never imagined being more anxious in my own home than I did when I watched my toddler swim in a big pool for the first time. Or driving in a car with my 15-year-old! Ugh! If I could drink Purell, I would.
- Smarter Than a 5th Grader. Umm, don’t ask me! Ask Siri! Homeschool? I have NO clue how to help these kids; they are so much smarter than me. Whoa, come on, Corona- this is just silly! I never thought for one second that I’d be the one teaching my kids how to do Advanced Algebra or AP World. I’m a podcaster for Pete’s sake!
Crazy times, y’all that we never, ever imagined. At least most of us didn’t. So, cut yourself a little slack today…eat that yummy brownie or skip that afternoon workout. Pour yourself a glass of wine and reach out to a friend that may need a little extra support. Find a funny meme on Instagram and share it with your family via group text or grab your kiddos and play a board game, then eat popcorn and watch a silly movie. Crazy times call for humor, patience, and understanding. Facts we never, ever imagined any of this, but how we show up during this time will make all the difference.
Peace Love and Truth