During my separation and subsequent divorce, a veritable Pandora’s box was unlocked in my life. It was as if the Hoover Dam busted open and rained down a plethora of booze and sex. I slept with 10 men in the space of three months. Sometimes there would 3-4 different guys in the space of 2 days.
Needless to say, I was busy.
Before you say, “Shit bitch, I can top that,” bear in mind I had been married for 18 years and the only man I had ever slept with was my husband.
The mere thought of freedom ignited such a lustful passion in me that I immediately launched into a staggering number of one-nighters thanks to booty calls online dating provides. I ran out and eagerly bought sex toys, lubes, gels, and other synthetic shit in order to heighten the experience for this naive, church-loving housewife.
I was a fuck ’em and leave ’em kinda gal. My biggest concern at the time was making sure I kept all their names straight. I loved not giving 2 fucks worth of care and I loved that I left them wanting more.
I was told by my unsuspecting admirers, “That was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. I think we have a connection. Was it good for you too?”
I would stroll out of the room leaving them frantically buttoning up their pants in an effort to catch me before I left. I would toss out the famous Jim Carrey line from the movie, ‘Liar, Liar’ over my shoulder, “I’ve had better.”
The power, the ability to call the shots, to choose whether or not I would answer their text messages and phone calls was fun. I liked playing hard to get. It was a time in my life where I took pleasure in being the boss, yet I hated every single one of the douche bags I met.
My behavior began to take its toll on me. One night I even left my young kids home alone so I could go meet up with my fuck buddy for a quickie across town.
The more I engaged in sexy time, the worse I began to feel about myself. I knew I deserved better than these shit bags I was wasting my time on, yet I continued to engage in order to feel wanted, even if it were for a brief moment. I didn’t care about the effect and consequences it could have on the important people in my life. I’m sorry, but it is impossible to be an effective mother when you’re constantly checking your dating inbox for the next fuck request.
In an effort to come clean, I would delete contacts and messages, block numbers and suspend my online dating account, only to start all over again.
I woke up one morning in a rare moment of lucidness when the realization hit me like a sledgehammer. What the actual fuck was I doing? I felt addicted. Not necessarily for the sex–more for the chase. Though I prided myself on calling the shots, the fact remained I desired to be desired, and I couldn’t seem to get enough of it.
Somehow I got caught in the crossfire of a repressed youth and a midlife crisis.
I could blame my behavior on years of neglect in my marriage, a dysfunctional childhood, my issues with self esteem or I could simply own the fact I was going down a dark road because I lost sense of who I was. Whatever the reason, I needed it to stop.
So I did. It didn’t happen overnight, and I had to do it on my own. Slowly, ever so slowIy, I felt the sane side of myself begin to return. It was like I had to detox off the cheap thrill it had provided me.
I eventually embraced the love of a wonderful man who I love passionately and now feel peace in my life because of it. I hold my children ever more closely when I consider the effect my behavior could have had on them. I am now learning what a healthy relationship looks like.
I realized that I didn’t need to settle anymore. I realized there was a better path for me. I realized I didn’t need to prove myself to anyone.
I realized I was someone who deserved love, which was the biggest revelation of all. After my pervasive behavior I really hated myself. I think some of my actions were due in part to the grieving process one goes through during a divorce. In an effort for a quick feel good, I went to the opposite side of who I really was because it felt good to leave the good girl behind for a while.
The good girl is back but she is stronger, fiercer, more independent, and ready to defend those haven’t been so lucky to make it to the other side.
I hope she is here to stay because I really like her.