I’ve always considered Valentine’s Day to be among the worst of the Hallmark Holidays. After all, nothing says love like a box of cheap chocolates and some flowers which wilt and die in a vase on my dining room table.
This year, however, takes the cake. I’d personally rather relive the Valentine’s Day where my boyfriend dumped me unceremoniously on my doorstep than celebrate another moment of intimacy with my spouse… and our two kids… and the cats.
We’re still in lockdown, goddammit, living in one another’s ass cracks, and Hallmark wants us to send a card to honor the occasion? READ THE ROOM, HALLMARK.
But listen, I’m the helpful type. Some people would sit around and bitch, but not me. I’m determined to find a way through this wonderful event. After much thought, here are my handy tips for celebrating Valentine’s Day during lockdown:
- Nothing says love like a homemade chocolate cake. I recommend using double fudge icing. Bake that cake and cut your spouse a small slice. Plate it on your best china. While he is busy swooning over the sight, take the rest of that cake to your bedroom, lock the damn door, and inhale the rest yourself. Bonus points for using your fingers as cutlery.
- Instead of roses, why not give your wife a bunch of wildflowers? Ideally, flowers picked in a field in the middle of nowhere, hours away from our house. Take the kids with you, too. And the cats. And your mother.
- Sexy times. AYFKM with a request for sexy times? You’ve been hotboxing us in our home office for the last ELEVEN months. You’ve burned my nose hairs out, for god’s sake.
- Speaking of hair, I can braid my leg hairs at this point in the pandemic. If you can’t see it on Zoom, I’m not dealing with it.
- “An extra special gift” – maybe you’re thinking about putting a bow on your willy. Do not do this. I cannot stress it enough. Lorena Bobbitt herself would be aghast at the outcome of that stunt.
- Box of chocolates – spend money on both quality and volume. Ask the kids what mommy doesn’t let them eat, then you know my favourite. Buy that kind.
- Dinner out – Let’s just not. An evening of pretending we haven’t talked about every topic in the world, fought over most of them, and still want to eat together is pointless. Buy me a steak and slide it under the door. Then you have dinner “out” in the garage.
Okay, so maybe this list wasn’t as helpful as I thought. It isn’t a surprise. When your family life is starting to feel like a never-ending hostage crisis, more intimacy is the last thing on your mind.
On second thought, we might want to give this holiday a miss. This year, anyways.