I collect people. Not in some creepy Jeffrey Dahmer way. And not in the urban dictionary sense of adding random followers to my social media accounts. But from phases of life to states I’ve called home, places I’ve visited and groups I’ve belonged to – I have assembled a group of people, my people. Some are part
Technically, it was negligent homicide. But in the eyes of my nearly-adult daughter who came home from work to find I had re-homed her Betta without her consent, my act of aquatic malice was unforgivable. I had the best of intentions, and this poor fish had been sitting in a tiny unfiltered tank for weeks,
It’s 6:55 AM on a Saturday morning, the only day I can sleep in and for some reason my mind is hyped like a Jack Russell with a tennis ball. There will be no more sleeping going on. Also, thanks to new memory foam pillows I received for Christmas, I can’t even adequately suffocate
I have to tell you that my early years were great. I had a lot of fun—cruising on my banana-seat chopper from one Kick the Can game to another, trolling forests with the neighborhood gang, being president of a shoplifting club. (Sorry, reader, but the adrenaline rush of pocketing a Hello Kitty eraser is a
“Mom, Max needs your help!” Shrieks my daughter perched at the top of the stairs, staring at the closed bathroom door. What could my sixteen-year-old son possibly need help with that we didn’t cover when he was three, and we practiced aiming with Cheerios. I yell to him to confirm he needs assistance and assess
Want to get somewhere but don’t want to have to do any pesky walking? Then a Segway might be for you. I first remember wanting to ride a…
I drive a beige minivan and have an impressive collection of equally beige granny panties. Sexy, right? My marriage is like a bowl of caramel pudding: sweet, predictable, a little boring. If my marriage were an ice cream, it would be vanilla – no sprinkles . We’re not a kinky couple. Neither of us had a
After the ink was dry on the divorce decree and proceedings came to a close, I thought the hardest part of the divorce was behind us. I used to empathize with people going through divorces. “I’m so sorry, that sucks. I’m here for you.” I never knew exactly how ineffectual the “obligatory” sympathy was, until
I am no stranger to disgusting things. When I was 8, my brother slammed his foot in the front door, and his big toe was left with a mangled and eventually blackened toenail. Within a week it fell off, and he unceremoniously tossed that sucker into my Barbie Dream Camper, right next to Ken and
We were recently lucky enough to add a beautiful and fierce baby girl to our family, already a never-ceasing source of light for me because of our three-year-old son. He is on the autism spectrum, but so incredibly bright and curious that our days are filled with the same joys and tribulations as those of
I am a patient person, people commend me on this trait. I have walked into many rooms, to find my children doing the raunchiest things you can ever imagine, and I have kept my cool. “Joey, could you please stop peeing on your baby sister. Thank you, let’s go have a snack,” is an example.
I have never been afraid of the dark. I’ve had other misgivings–mostly involving elevators or vermon–but never the dark. So when I heard of a restaurant that has…
She looks so peaceful and calm, as if sleeping. The doctors say to talk to her; she can hear you. I don’t believe them and I look for…
Allow me to start by issuing my very deepest condolences to any families and loved ones of the victims and survivors of all of these horrible school shootings…